I rarely have felt fully prepared for a lot of the big milestones and challenges in my life. Whether it was the transition from school and stepping into “real” life when I graduated college, or giving a best man’s speech at a wedding, or completing a marathon, there was always a moment of pause and hesitancy right before that moment happened wondering how it will go. (I’m still feeling out this whole real life after school thing. I’m not sold on it just yet.)
What I do know, however, is that I work my way through it all on a daily basis.
Earlier today as I was about to head out for my weekend long run, it started to drizzle. Not knowing if it was going to turn into a harder rain, I stepped back inside for a few minutes to wait it out. During that time, a good friend called to catch up and share some good news (great news, really) that is so many ways life giving and life changing. It was encouraging and a blessing to hear how after months and years of struggles and prayers, things are moving down a positive and right direction. The excitement and happiness was palpable even over the phone; energy and life was evident in him that I haven’t heard in a while.
It started recently for him one restless night as he took some time to get away and reflect. The next day, he got the news about the doctors finding a kidney donor match (yes Dave, this post is about you.) All of this gave me pause tonight as much as the light rain gave me pause from doing my run this afternoon to take some time to journal and do some reading and reflect on my own life. Schedules don’t always go according to plan, but in those moments when you’re interrupted and plans are shifted, be open and listen to what’s going on. Often it’s in those unexpected and unplanned moments that we can be changed the most.
November has become a difficult month for me. Not only does it mean Thanksgiving and the entire holiday season that follows it, but it also means my birthday “season” has arrived and turning another year older. However, it doesn’t mean I need to look any older. In the last couple years, that usually also means a very quiet, introspective, and solitary season.
Birthdays, much like everything else in America, has turned into an affair that calls to be celebrated for far longer than what the calendar shows – one day. People have “birthday weeks,” “birthday months,” or “birthday seasons” to keep the party going. I don’t get it. Why do people want so much attention for just being themselves? I don’t really want it, but I don’t want to be completely forgotten either. The last few years, the days leading up to and my actual birthday are internally dark. Who will remember? Will anyone (parents and best friend excluded)?
I’ve had a few particularly emotional birthday-days that have brought intense feelings of loneliness and disconnect in my time because I felt people weren’t there in any real capacity. I’ve never been one to plan my own party. Nor do I want to be the center of attention. If friends want to coordinate a party, I’ll probably do it. As years go by, though, people have other life commitments like spouses, kids, jobs, etc. I get it. I assume they’re all too busy for me, so I make due on my own. In my head, I’ve figured this must be part of being single when most of your community isn’t. My last two actual birthdays I’ve had dinner alone. While not altogether the worst, perhaps it wasn’t the best either.
Why are my birthdays such internally difficult affairs? Why do I feel such loss at the thought of people forgetting about it and simultaneously cringe when I get a “Happy birthday!” greeting or Facebook wall post? A birthday greeting isn’t something that’s earned, but a simple acknowledgment of my existence and nothing else. Why not want any focus on me for me?
Maybe that’s (a small) part of the problem. Throughout the year, I constantly feel like I’m having to prove my worth wherever I go and with whatever I do. Then when my birthday comes, it requires nothing of me, and it partially freaks me out. I’m just supposed to “be, ” and that’s enough for a day. Maybe that’s supposed to be enough every day.
So goes another year and another birthday, partially unscathed. I hope with this new year brings more wisdom and being more OK with getting older and celebrating life.
*This post is not intended to invoke any belated happy birthdays or anything similar.