a sad tear falls
i look through the blur
i see nothing
with my bloodshot eyes
from nights of endless despair
if my life will get better
my hopes have not matched YOurs
and my soul aches
my dreams cannot be lived
and i try harder to achieve
Your will seems no longer mine
i need to know hy
i say yes i hear no
frustration fills me
why is the hurt so real
when will it go away
i ask how come me
i hear just be patient and wait
engrossed in rage
controlled by the love
i blindly depend on
with no conscious thought
through the tears
February 20 1996
A good friend of mine in Tennessee tells me it’s National Poetry Month. That sounds like a request for me to dust off some of my old works and find a couple to post here on my blog over the coming weeks. Get ready for some teen angst driven emotions to pour out. And maybe a more rare emotionally driven writing from my 20’s.
How did 1/6th of the year already pass by? A lot has happened, but I feel like there isn’t much to show for it in my personal life. What have I really done? How have I been challenged to change? I recently revisited my last post about being more intentional and am finding it’s a difficult task. From things as simple as being diligent about working out to being better about keeping in touch with friends, life is harder than it seems.
I have a number of entries started and in “draft” status. Perhaps March will be a month when I release a couple of them to the world.
Definition of intentional: “characterized by conscious design or purpose”
I’ve had a growing conviction that life, mine specifically, should be filled with more purpose and a sense of intentionality. Everything we say and do should carry weight to it and should be thoughtfully considered before we act. As I write this blog entry, am I giving it the full attention it deserves or am I simply writing fast to post it and fill up blog space? Or am I only trying to sound witty and insightful for its own sake? For whoever reads this, it will make an impression, for however short or long a time. Did I put my best foot forward and give a memorable and beneficial presentation of myself and ideas? How intentional was I in this process?
Part of being intentional is giving everything we do 100%. Every moment matters. Everything we do makes an impact, minimally to our own lives and almost certainly will influence the lives of others in some manner. And that also means I need to do better about giving my undivided attention to the task or person at hand. It’s not fair to myself or others to not be fully engaged.
I think another aspect of being intentional is being proactive. More and more of what I’m seeing is a reactionary response to everything around us. we complain about the problems instead of formulating potential solutions. We find ways to place responsibility and blame on anyone who isn’t the person we see in the mirror. You will have nobody to point a finger at but yourself when you look around wondering why who you are isn’t you wanted to be if you didn’t do anything to change the situation. It’s time to take action and work to make your world more of what you want it to be. That can mean taking steps of faith in directions you’re unsure of, but that’s why they’re steps of faith, right?
I reread the definition above and want my life to be “characterized by conscious design or purpose.” As I write this, I’m challenging myself to live in such a way that is impactful and meaningful. That means being deliberate and intentional about my blog posts, choosing my words carefully before writing that tweet, considering my audience when updating my Facebook status, reviewing that email to the client and making sure I’ve covered all my bases and mean everything I say before it comes out of my mouth.
Would you join me in being more intentional?
The existence of this space to provide an outlet for sharing my thoughts and reflections on life has not been very reflective lately. If I were to look here or in my personal journals, one may think very little is going on inside this head of mine based on the lack of entries. Really though, there are a lot of thoughts traversing their ways through the admittedly very full and somewhat easily distracted brain I own. Thankfully, most of you can’t see the behind the scenes activity. It is worrisome to me and I’m the one in control of these thoughts!
Today I was reminded via a quote at a friend’s blog that basically said if you’re thinking, you are writing about it. It can be to help formulate more coherent thought or simply to remember what the idea was at that moment. The article my friend referenced also said writing is hard. That author is right. Being able to write coherent and full sentences that convey a message proves more challenging to create for the writer and in some ways more difficult to digest to today’s reader.
So what’s the point of all this? Mainly that I need to find a more consistent outlet for my ideas and thoughts that I have been keeping to myself. Whether it’s response to news, conversations with friends, or even a reaction to a billboard, if there is significant meaning, then it should be explored in greater detail. The goal would be that I have more article posted, hopefully with more logic and coherence as time goes on.
Until next time,
i look around.
no hope for me.
as i look on.
no hope i see.
life gets worse.
i wait more.
my heads aches.
i am sore.
no love inside.
a smile i wear.
my tender soul.
about to tear.
tears i hold.
beg to fall.
i hold tight.
will not bawl.
sit on my chair.
i watch the time.
fly by my eye.
no longer mine.
to the dawn.
yearning for you.
you i behold.
the time you come.
still left untold.
as i pray here.
a trumpet call.
my head looks up.
i start to bawl.
I recently watched the film “Away We Go” because I like the two main actors and the story portrayed in the trailer about a young couple trying to find their place in the world intrigued me. After finding out the father’s parents are moving very far away, the couple finds themselves with no relational connection to their home and in some ways, they find this somehow freeing in the midst of the unknown to find a new home to call their own.
Without going into the plot of the film, I found myself moved by the story. The couple wanted to find a place they could call home and ideally be able to share that with friends or family. Through the journey, they ultimately began to better understand each other and what they needed: connection. They wanted to connect with others as their family grew. In the midst of the journey, they realize some people who aren’t they remember them to be. They also encounter the reality of pain their friends have experienced and the brokenness of marriage and family.
There were two things that struck me as I watched. One was the optimism that something better was in store for them. Broken families and friends with challenging marriages were not enough to discourage them to try and make the best life for the child they were expecting. The second is that the innate focus to connect and share life with others. The willingness to travel the countryside and find friends or family that would form the basis of their new community is what drove them forward to keep looking. Community is a much more powerful thing than we typically give it credit for. I have certainly make many decisions because of the communities I am a part of, from friends to church to work to family. It’s part of who we are as humans to want to be in community with others. Even for those of us who may lean slightly towards the introverted side of personality types still desperately need others. Just maybe not as frequently, but still as deeply.
Even if it wasn’t the point of the movie, I left myself with many questions How far am I willing to go to find and create a community I can be part of? What am I willing to sacrifice to make that happen? Will I move halfway across the country or the world? Will I give up everything I know and am comfortable with to make that happen?
here i sit while the clock strikes midnight
images of my day flash before me
victories and failures intermingled
weave a story of a man confused
about his own worth to the world
trying to understand his importance
how is it that value really doesn’t come from others
or from all the thing he tries to do to impress them
how can it have no bearing on how much he can be loved
is it possible to be accepted simply because i’m here
and have nothing to offer back
another day awaits me on the other side of midnight
what will be my greatest challenge
i fear it is being loved
without strings or conditions
will i allow myself that freedom?