Category: Musings

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My (Missing) Childhood Stories

What is it that makes my life stand out among those of my friends and everyone else I know? What about my life and history makes me different? Plenty of things, of course! My story is certainly not exactly like anyone else’s, as I’m sure your story is unique to you as well. Yet the word “story” is a large driver of why I’m writing.

There is no doubt that I was raised well, was cared for, and all my core needs were met. As a kid, you don’t know what you’re missing out on because you simply are unaware of their existence. You are (mostly) content with what you have. For the most part, I believe this was the case with me. I had friends, played with toys, Matchbox cars, Legos, He-Man action figures, Lincoln Logs… you get the idea. I even watched some cartoons and other TV shows in my youth. I wasn’t totally sheltered from the world.

However, as I got older and made friends in college and beyond, during times of reminiscing about our youth and sharing stories of what captured our imagination as children, I found that our shared experiences and knowledge, particularly with items of some cultural reference, did not overlap with great frequency. Many of my friends grew up as young children in the 80’s and recall a number of classic TV shows that I was apparently completely out of the loop on. A lot of kids movies, namely many classic Disney and those they released during my youth years and into the 90’s, were and many still are completely unknown to me. Perhaps the one pressing on my mind most is that I’m so void of childhood story book memories. As I see friends talk of sharing books with their kids from their own childhood, I look on with a lack of understanding of what that means. I have no memory of having my parents read to me and my brother. These stories never told weren’t there to capture my imagination and take me to places that didn’t really exist anywhere but in my head. This could explain my love of making up worlds with Legos and later on in video games like Sim City, though these worlds always had some grounding or basis from real life.

I’ve thought to myself on numerous occasions, “Well, why not just rent all those movies you missed and read all those children’s books you never read and be caught up?” Sure, I could do that, but that’s not exactly the point for me. The experience of taking in those stories the first time as a child is something you cannot recreate as an adult. That is what is lost forever. That is what I lament now.

Now I realize there is little I can do about this, save for renting all those movies and reading all those books and catch up. It won’t replace what I missed out on while I grew up, but I suppose that head knowledge should count for something for now. If I ever have my own kids someday, reading some of these stories to them for the first time will fulfill that void from my own childhood. For now, that space in my heart will need to remain as it is and I’ll need to work out what to do with all that extra room.

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Musings

Home Ownership One Year Later

Today marks my first anniversary of being in my first house. When I step back and think about it, it’s really quite surprising how much has been accomplished in that time as far as house projects/updates go, from painting to new bathrooms and windows. I’ve also learned more about sump pumps and home maintenance! Owning a home truly keeps you on your toes and is spend to spend money on pretty much any time of year.

Then there’s the personal side of the journey, arguably the more interesting part. This year, I got to see my roommate of almost 3 years begin the next stage of his life as he went overseas to fulfill his mission and dream that started so many years ago. I’ve learned how to fix things around a house with the help of neighbors and family. I remember how much I somewhat like cutting the grass every week during the summer. And through an old lawn mower, I’ve found that neighbors can be incredibly kind and helpful in assisting me in cleaning my mower to letting me borrow theirs when mine breaks. I also aspire to make sure my home is one that is open, even when I think I have nothing to offer others. It’s something I think I need to be stretched in.

As a friend of mine said to me today, “one down, twenty nine more to go!” Thanks for reminding me of all those mortgage payments. It’s just what I needed today. 🙂

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Sabbatical ’11 aka Sabbatical ’10 rescheduled

Back in December 2009, my company’s CEO made a pretty shocking announcement at our annual holiday party. For everyone who has been with the company for 10 years or longer, he is offering a paid one month sabbatical. It requires that the employee take the time off all at once and that it is a time completely disconnected from the company. No email, no phone calls, no coming to the office for any reason. At the time, I had been at this company for 9 1/2 years. The only other people who had been there longer was the CEO/founder and our president. (Actually, this fact is still true today. 11 years and counting!)

Needless to say, it was quite the surprise to everyone in attendance. All I could think about was “wow, in 6 months I’ll be able to take a whole month off from work! What should I do? Where should I go?” So the process of vetting locations began. In the spring of 2010, I was pretty well set on going to Iceland and Prague. I even had gone as far as purchasing my tickets for the flight there and back.

Fast forward to the first week of June. Due to some staffing changes in my department that saw a programmer leave us and us eliminating another position within the course of a week, I was down from a full department of 6 to 4. My conscience wasn’t able to let go of the responsibilities of running IT given how busy we were and the fact that we’d be down to 3 people for a month. So, of my own volition I decided to cancel my trip originally scheduled for September 2010 to a date in the future. During that summer, a lot of other things happened, such as finding a new programmer (who’s working out great by the way) and me deciding it was time to make some roots in my current hometown and purchase my first home.

After the dust settled, in the fall of 2010 I began again the planning of taking my trip in spring of 2011. In early November, my most senior developer gave me his two week resignation. At this point, I again rescheduled my trip, but thankfully I hadn’t purchased tickets just yet. I began to wonder if this trip would ever become reality for me. Thus began the long search to find another programmer.

Fast forward a few months. We are back to a team of 5 as of a couple months ago and things are looking good for me to finally go in mid-September through mid-October. The planning process for what to do, where to stay, etc., will be going into full effect very soon. I will be sharing some thoughts as I prepare myself for the longest period of time away from this job, and really anything else, since my teen years. I’m working to learn and fully appreciate what this sabbatical can be for me personally and how I can make the most of this opportunity. Come back here for more reflections in the next few weeks.

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Musings

Living for the After Party

I’ll admit it: I enjoy being the guy who’s there when the party wraps up, being the last person at the office who locks up and turns off all the lights, or the last person who goes to bed once everyone else has fallen asleep. It’s that window of time of lingering, of simply being, where something unique is in the air.

It’s a peaceful moment that can last just a few seconds or several hours. At a party or any large gathering, there comes a point at the event where being around so many people becomes mentally and emotionally draining. I may be having a great time, but so much (usually surface level) social interaction wears me out. But if I can make it through to the end, when most people filter out of the room and I’m left with a smaller pool of folks to interact with, I find a new energy to draw from. The group gets smaller, the necessity of “working the crowd” and typical empty chatter falls away and you’re left with the after party.

The “after party” is that time where you can stop being the entertainer. You’re no longer making sure you said “Hi!” to everyone. The primary purpose of said event is done. Your responsibilities are completed and you fall back into a place of just being yourself. You take that time to soak in the day, to revel in the presence of the friends around you that are just chilling out in that snippet of time. People are more willing to open up and talk without rushing, to go deeper into a conversation, and be there with you. I love these spaces because they can come and go so quickly, but are ever so rewarding. There’s a lightness to the air, an unexpected joy and appreciation for life that lingers, that’s impossible to create by choice.

Next time we’re at a party or some sort of large gathering together, don’t be surprised if you notice me really starting to break out of my party shell as the event progresses and the crowds thin out. It’s in that after party time I find I can truly connect with others and enjoy the atmosphere and appreciate the relationships with people who are there.

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Books a plenty!

It’s been a frenzy of book purchases lately without as much time to read them. While making the decision to purchase, I forget about the inherently larger time commitment necessary to make reading a worthwhile activity. Recently, I added four more books to the stacked queue (pun intended from a techie and book perspective) as seen in the picture.

Note: you are reading the title right on the lower middle book. It’s called “The Ramen King and I.” I saw it at Borders on clearance and my love for ramen compelled me to purchase it. Hey, it was $4!

What is interesting to me is that right now I’m genuinely excited about taking in new content, whether fiction or non-fiction. My hope is that it will spur on new thoughts as I continue to reflect on life and that I’ll be able to share some of those thoughts here. What are you reading right now that’s compelling, interesting, or otherwise ruffling a feather in you?

 

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Writer’s block – removed

I’ve realized I’ve hit a bit of a writer’s block recently. It’s not for a lack of ideas or even of drafts started in WordPress, ready with catchy titles to pull the reader in. Like many things in my life, I think the biggest obstacle in my way is fear that what I write will be nonsensical, irrelevant to anybody reading, or otherwise terrible. My self imposed standards for what’s “important enough” to write enough may be holding me back from working out some potentially fascinating posts.

I also see links on Twitter from friends like Helen about articles that claim most Americans think they can write a novel. (By the way, Helen’s actually is an author who’s published a book!) This blog is daunting to me, but ultimately I can make this space whatever I want it to be.

All this points to carving out time for reflection and thought. I’d also like to carve out time with friends for conversation with depth to inspire me to write. So, for the summer I will make a commitment to write one blog post a week, about anything. No limits on topics, nothing too short, nothing too long. To keep myself publicly accountable to the few that come here, here’s some possible post topics:

  • Stillness in Silence (based on my reading of In Pursuit of Silence)
  • A Lost Childhood
  • Social Media, spurred on by attending a recent conference and Social Media ROI, written by one of the conference discussion leaders.
  • The upcoming bathroom renovation
  • My still to be planned sabbatical

I look forward to the unofficial beginning of summer and the space to not be a slave to just tasks, but also something more.

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Spring cleaning, electronics edition

This weekend I was able to drop off a bunch of old electronics equipment (monitors, old desktop computers, CRT TV’s, broken cell phones) that had been collecting at work and in my mom’s basement. My hometown was hosting a green recycling event for electronics, which is so much better than us dumping that stuff in a landfill. These are being hosted all at least over DuPage county and probably all around the country. Go do your part to keep electronics out of landfills and properly disposed of!

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Musings

Truth in Youthful Words

I posted recently about it being National Poetry Month, so I decided I should dig up some poems and writings from my past and share them here.In going through some of my journals and scribbling of words on paper from high school through now, I’ve noticed a some things:

  • I used to write a LOT more in high school, college, and even for a short while into post-college life.
  • My internal life was incredibly dramatic and full of tension. At least I thought it was.
  • I expressed that internal drama often through poems, or at least what I was calling poems, in ways that were more honest than I would be now.
  • It’s really interesting to see where I’ve come from; and more specifically, what’s different about me. (And if I’m being really honest with myself, what’s not different.)

There’s something about how we speak and write when we’re younger than tends to be so raw and full of energy and emotion. It’s as though our entire lives depended on every word we said, wrote, heard. Our feelings knew little of the “in-between” and only existed at the edges. What happened to that? We get older, wiser, more subdued, more cautious. Ultimately, these things are good for us. I would fear living that way now. But there’s something about us being real with ourselves that should never go away. Write with reckless abandon. Get thoughts down on paper and work out what’s in your mind and heart. One of the worst things you can do is bottle stuff in. I did on and off for many years and when I was holding back, I was more unhealthy.

What’s the point of this post? I’m not quite sure. Maybe just that we should be more free with our words and express those thoughts more frequently and openly, like when we were younger. Also look for a couple more poems to be posted here in the coming days!