frustration part ii

this was a follow up to frustration

frustration returns again
to my tired soul
unable to withstand
holding back the tears
and emotions inside
i desperately try to hide from You
i strive for more
than seems possible now
to my bloodshot eyes
from moments of sorrow
that last forever in my mind
as dreams look impossible
i pray from my heart
as reality seems unbearable
i will call out Your name
for Your love to guide me
and my hope to be restored
so i do not crumble
from the trials i face
brought only to bring me
closer to You
in the end

July 11, 1996

i see your eyes staring at my own…

i see your eyes staring at my own
am i looking at the inside
or merely beautifully made curtains
thin enough only only to know
someone left the light on
but unsure as to what’s happening
leery to take the next step
pull the shade aside
and peer into the living room
will words ever tell the whole story
or will actions contradict the fairy tale
told to everyone
do the cinderalla dreams
always start after midnight
certainty so boldly displayed
has now been torn down and destroyed
leaving behind the soul
with a label saying “FRAGILE”
will any hands be gentle enough
to caress this one of a kind artpiece
and tend to it forever
and not become tired of its beauty
waiting for an answer
the questioning is paused
as i walk away from the mirror

6/6/98

Stormy Summer night

As the end of a calendar year draws closer, I begin to¬†reminisce about what’s happened in the past almost 12 months and look through pictures, journal entries, and so on. I ran across a couple photos I took from the apartment after a storm had come through and knocked out power to the apartment. The view outside of the parking lot and prairie path was completely dark. Compared to the normally well lit area, it was actually a welcome, albeit slightly eerie, change of pace. This doesn’t totally capture the moment, but it brought me back to that time and the small moment of reflection it brought.

What of the wretched hollow, the endless in between…

Ever since I first heard this song from Imogen Heap’s album, “Ellipse”, I felt like there’s a greater truth within the words that’s waiting for me to find it and apply to my own life.

To me, the song speaks to my own life-long endeavors in their very undefined state and asking me if I’m doing anything about them in the midst of pain and imperfection. I’ve heard often that those life moments that define you actually happen between those big moments. It’s the sum of our lives that make us who we are, not just what we do in a fleeting moment in time. We can all act or pretend once in a while, but can we do it all the time?

However, when I first heard this song, what really struck me was how this spoke to my single life and how I was (and if I’m honest, still am) letting the pains of my past get in the way of living in the now. More specifically, this song forces me to ask the question of where I stand in the world of relationships and if I’m waiting for time to heal all the scars from a lifetime of seeing and experiencing broken relationships within my family and among friends. I’m pretty sure I’ve told myself that one day I’ll magically be ready for marriage (OK, first a serious girlfriend) and “being an adult.” But while I wait to heal and come to some very undefined place of readiness, I’m still living life; things don’t stop moving because I’m not ready for them to forge ahead.

So what am I going to do? Am I just going to wait it out, here in the wretched hollow, the endless in between?

Wait It Out by Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can’t get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There’s nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We’re closed to the Earth ’til further notice.
A Stumbling cliche case,
crumbled and puffy faced.
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I’ll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
Well, We’ll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
Around old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we’ve got.

(Ah, Ah, Ah)

In the one life that we’ve got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out? sit Here?
Just going to Wait it out? Sit here cold?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

Dragonflies

I took these back in June when I went down to New Orleans to celebrate a friend’s birthday. During one of our excursions, my trusty camera and I caught these dragonflies in a moment of stillness. They are beautiful creatures.

Old Stove

 

 

I moved into a new house in August. At 50 years old, it has tons of character. I hope to be as hip as this place when I turn 50. It screams retro in most rooms. One item in particular was the stove. I have a feeling it is almost as old as the house itself. While beautiful and big at 40″ wide and having 2 ovens, I needed to replace it with something that would consistently turn the burners on and had oven doors that would open. I took a couple pictures of it before having it hauled away by Sears.

Communication and the Lack Thereof

This week I relearned the hard truth that communication issues, whether in the form of misunderstandings or lack of actual questions or answers, has very real impact in our lives. Assumptions are made by each party in any conversation; one that the communicator assumes the listener understands, and two that the listener gets what the other person is trying to say. Too often, though, we find we’re not very good at saying what we meant to say. Nor are we always consistent about getting clarification. I wonder how different my life would be if I just asked one more question or used another word to explain something.

A friend has once said that 90% of the world’s problems are caused by bad communication. While this isn’t based on any definitive research, it’s very true that if we took the extra minute to be clear, life wouldn’t be so challenging sometimes.